I just realized it's been two months since I've posted on this blog. My intention has been to encourage others who are experiencing situations similar to what I've been through. Up until about two weeks ago, I had a very hard struggle against a familiar opponent: depression. From 7th grade until about four years ago, I was a very depressed and suicidal person. However, no matter how hard the knife was pressed and drawn against my skin, nothing more than a scratch appeared.
For a large portion of my life, I constantly heard negative comments from peers in school, as well as from some family. It was very difficult and my self-esteem went downhill. I found comfort in reading and in prayer. Mom called me a "loner", I didn't have any close friends in school at all, and because of all the teasing and bullying, I was more than happy to be by myself.
Unfortunately, after my mother's death in 1994, the depression became worse. I was homeschooled for my 8th grade year, which made me ecstatic. I didn't have to deal with bullies every day, the hours weren't as long as they are in public schools, and I didn't have to eat any gross cafeteria food. My grandmother protested; she felt that I needed to interact with kids my age. She just couldn't understand that I HATED school. When Mom died, I not only had to face high school, I had to face a high school full of people I didn't know. I was already really shy and quiet, but grieving for my mother made it worse. Sadly, shy people are seen as being aloof, snobby, and boring. I had to deal with this girl for two years who kept insisting I was a snob. It was harder to get through every day. I've never fit in anywhere I've gone, so imagine what school was like for this nerdy girl who tried her hardest to be who she isn't. I was shunned because I didn't try to fit in. When I tried to fit in, I was shunned for doing so! I finally gave up during my senior year and just decided to be ME. Funny enough, a few kids started to get to know me a little better and I ended up with some acquaintances.
Depression tried to pry its way in recently, but I couldn't let it back in. I absolutely mean it when I say that we MUST listen only to the voice of the L-rd when he speaks to us of who we are. Those words that keep popping up, words like "stupid", "incapable", "worthless", etc. are all lies. Proverbs tells us that the power of life and death is in the tongue, meaning that the words we speak to each other and to ourselves can either bring life (encouragement) or death (discouragement). If we hear words of either life or death constantly, we will begin to believe the things spoken to us. I heard a lot of bad things said about myself, words spoken to me so often that I believed them. I really did believe I was stupid, worthless, would never amount to anything, and was a general nuisance.
However, after renewing my relationship with Yeshua a few years ago, the depression began to melt away and I became more confident. It took time though, and a year later I was able to return friendly teasing and smiled more than I had in previous years. I was finally able to be comfortable in who I was, not in myself, but in Messiah.
I've been realizing that self-confidence is really nothing. I'd rather have confidence in G-d and in the Messiah, not myself. I'm fallible, I have faults, and I have a short attention span sometimes. I get easily distracted, so I have to literally FORCE myself to focus. I find that when I focus on the Word, when I read and pray, I don't feel all out of kilter and confused.
I think I'm going to start working on my entire testimony so I can put it on here. The first two posts may seem harsh and may seem like I'm condemning the kids for what they do, but that's not the case. I do speak from real experiences in my life and I only want to be a good watchman, to warn of danger when it approaches.
This is it for tonight, it's almost midnight and the bed is calling for me.
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