Eating my words...

I fibbed. We went to the worship service yesterday and, as I thought, I wouldn't be allowed to hide. My friends were not the ones to get me out of my shell, rather, it was Abba. I can't believe I got up and participated in the praise and worship dance. The dances were familiar to me, and I really enjoyed it. It was so wonderful to be able to sit and enjoy it all, without having to be "on post", unable to participate in worship and instead having to be on the lookout for the slightest "disturbance". Yes, I'm eating my words from Friday's post, but they actually taste good.

The teaching was on the week's parashah, and every sentence was confirmation for me and my husband. We took the steps towards the vast sea, as the Israelites did thousands of years ago as Pharaoh and his army pursued them. That first step is critical, it cannot be taken without faith to accompany it. We didn't know what to expect, and it's good that neither myself nor my husband had expectations of how the service would go. This is not to say that we will become members, wherever we go, our steps will need to be directed by the Lord. I don't want to jump into anything too early, but I can say that we will be going back. We felt a freedom that we hadn't felt in a couple of years, and that is crucial. Order is needed in a service, yes, as we serve a God of order, but there is a line between order and control.

My muscles are hollering at me for dancing, as almost every dance I participated in was high-impact, but I didn't feel a bit tired, my bum foot didn't ache as it used to, and I thoroughly enjoyed it all. Thank you, Abba, for the kick in the pants that I needed to take that step towards the sea.

I wanted to share this video with you. The song is powerful and the video has Scripture that I want you to meditate upon. As you watch, be so very blessed and don't forget to listen to the voice that speaks only truth.

Leaning on the World vs. leaning on the Word

I faced a fork in the road after leaving my last congregation. On the left was the World, on the right was the Word of God. As I walked toward the fork, I knew the best choice was the Word, as feeding myself daily on this bread of life would sustain me through the pain of leaving a place and people that I cared about. However, bitterness crept in through the cracks in me, taking advantage of the pain I felt. I wrestled with it, but as time went on, I slowly allowed the bitterness in. I knew very well what was going on, but I refused to admit it. For me to admit this weakness to the friends around me, to those who didn’t allow bitterness to fester within them, would be showing that I am, after all, a weak-willed person, someone more than willing to let the world be her strength and shield. I finally decided I needed to forgive those who hurt me badly and get on with life.

Right after I made this decision, WHAM! I was blindsided by something I didn’t think would happen and certainly never saw coming. A very dear friend from my old congregation was acting funny when I saw her at an event. Of course she didn’t recognize me as I now had glasses and a new haircut. I pulled her aside and hugged her, but she acted strangely. She said hello, good to see you, hair and glasses look nice…then left to join the crowd containing folks from our old congregation. I knew right then something was up. To make a long story short, my friend wrote to me the next day that she decided to cut ties for my own good and HERS as well. I know this sounds terrible, but I speak from experience: those leaders will monitor congregants and ask if they still talk to those who left, will ask what was said, etc. Said congregants will, out of loyalty, tell all that was said and done. I know, because I myself have been grilled more than once.

This friend severing contact really cut me deeply. In her I had found a sister, someone I could be an absolute goof with and who shared a penchant for all things sparkly. It’s been a little over a month and the sting is still there, although the initial pain has faded.

I saw someone who knew exactly what had happened, how my husband and I and others had been treated, choose to sever ties with us. Afterwards, I began to fight depression more and more, but was losing.

I admit these things to show that I’m human. I make mistakes, sadly, but the good news is that I am forgiven if I ask it. I have to mean it when I ask forgiveness; otherwise it’s just paying lip service, nothing more.

After about a month of depression, I was invited to attend worship services at another congregation. Admittedly, the thought of going to another place disgusted me. I’ve been burned more than once, thought I don’t blame those people any more. Did they know what they were doing? I doubt it, and I forgive them. I raged, not wanting to risk going to another place where I could possibly be hurt again. I wanted to hide and do nothing. I told my husband to go if he wanted, but COUNT ME OUT! I had been feeling so much hurt still, and I just didn’t want another dagger thrust in me. I know, though, that I need to go. I’m not receiving the healing I need at home, and I haven’t gone to any home groups for a while. I tend to withdraw when I’ve been emotionally injured, because I feel safer inside a shell. If I stay in there, those daggers can’t penetrate the shell that protects me.

That’s where I’m wrong: I rely on my own self to protect me. I dove right back into the person I used to be, the person that would withdraw herself from friends and family in order to prevent further emotional injury. I used to feel like nobody understood me at all, that I was the biggest loser in the world. I felt so ugly and unattractive, because just about every guy I met just didn’t click with me. I couldn’t be the girl they desired, because I loathe having to pretend to be cutesy and girly. Only when I took the steps and developed a relationship with my Creator did I begin to see myself through His eyes. Unhappily, there were three years that I allowed someone else to chip away at my confidence and sense of who I am in Messiah, until I went right back to that old depressed self.

I have friends I know I can trust. Above anyone else, except my husband, I know I can tell them anything and they won’t degrade me or yell at me. These three and I are more alike than the friend who left me. I sent one an email because I needed to unburden myself, and her reply was nothing but confirmation of what I knew deep down. I had begun to see that I need to go to a place where there is worship, because I’m not doing much of that at home. I had been on the worship dance team, and leaving made me ache for that team. I missed it so much, but it became distasteful for me because dancing held attachment to the place I left. Now it’s difficult for me to think of participating, although I don't feel as bad as I had a month ago. I won’t participate in worship dance this weekend, and I’ll probably designate a spot for myself in the back of the sanctuary and high-tail it out of there. Doubtful, if my friends have anything to say about it. Knowing them, they won’t let me hide and they sure won’t let me leave without introducing me to someone.

My friend’s reply did, as always, help me. I know that I can’t let the giants of despair and depression crush me, that instead I am the one to let that stone fly, knock out the giants, and then cut off their heads. I can’t do it alone though, and that’s my biggest problem. Instead of relying on the Word, I’ve relied on the World. I’ve let myself slip a little back into the old way of doing things.

I’m stubborn, which means it can take something drastic happening for me to finally see the truth. That happened, and it’s time to move on from it. I relinquish the pain and sad memories. I forgive those who hurt me, because the wounded will wound others, and they don’t realize what they are doing. I release this all and lay it at the feet of the Messiah, to take in its place His burden, for it is light. I choose to lean not on the World, but on the Living Word of God, Jesus, Yeshua the Messiah.

Psalm 91, for those out there who are hurting:

You who live in the shelter of ‘Elyon, who spend your nights in the shadow of Shaddai,

Who say to ADONAI, “My refuge! My fortress! My God, in whom I trust!” – he will rescue you from the trap of the hunter and from the plague of calamities;

He will cover you with his pinions and under his wings you will find refuge; his truth is a shield and protection.

You will NOT fear the terrors of night or the arrow that flies by day, or the plague that roams in the dark, or the scourge that wreaks havoc at noon.

A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand; but it won’t come near you.

Only keep your eyes open, and you will see how the wicked are punished.

For you have made ADONAI, the Most High, who is my refuge, your dwelling-place.

No disaster will happen to you, no calamity will come near your tent; for he will order his angels to care for you and guard you wherever you go.

They will carry you in their hands, so that you won’t trip on a stone.

You will tread down lions and snakes, young lions and serpents you will trample underfoot.

“Because he loves me, I will rescue him; because he knows my name, I will protect him. He will call on me, and I will answer him. I will be with him when he is in trouble. I will extricate him and bring him honor. I will satisfy him with long life and show him my salvation.”