God or Self?

For some time now, my thoughts keep returning to this: “How have I represented Messiah to others?” Let’s say an ambassador from another country comes to the United States. This person carries the responsibility of truly representing his country to us. If this ambassador has a foul attitude, cusses heavily, and spits on people, then how many would think that the country is just like the ambassador? The same applies to Yeshua’s ambassadors. If we are haughty, self-righteous and condemning of others, then Yeshua will be seen like that, even God will be seen like that!

Pride, arrogance, haughtiness, a judgmental attitude…all these build up within us, damming up the flow of love and compassion from God that I feel must flow through us. Some have never even let God’s love into them, they’ve been given erroneous teachings that God is an angry, volatile God who will pass judgment on each and every sinner, and so they too speak the same.

Here’s the deal: We must stop being so harsh on the world. Remember that though we are IN the world, we are not to be OF the world. What do you expect folks in the world to do? Do you expect them to know all the commands of God and obey them? HELLO! They are IN THE WORLD. They haven’t received teachings of God’s word. They haven’t gone to church, or had a revelation of Messiah, few haven’t even HEARD of Yeshua!

We, in the Body of Messiah, are so doggone selfish, so self-righteous, so eager to point fingers, so ARROGANT, that we have totally forgotten where we came from, where we were, before our Father moved us to seek Him and His Son. What’s YOUR background? Maybe you’re one of the blessed who’s had a relationship with Yeshua since childhood, and have never strayed. Maybe you’re like me, you grew up in church, you received Yeshua by acknowledging the debt he paid, but the spiritual maturity wasn’t there. When a tragedy happened, you turned from what you received and went right into worldly things, giving into the fleshly desires. Maybe you’re a new believer, maybe you’re someone who only knows about Yeshua, maybe you’re someone who really desires to seek him.

I’m not here to judge, or point fingers. I’m here to say what’s on my heart, what’s on my mind. Folks, the time of the return of the Messiah is closer than ever. We can see the birth pangs; there are wars and rumors of wars. So much must happen before His return…we don’t know every detail, and I don’t think we need to. Faith and trust are amongst our armory, and we must use that if we are to make it through.

The “me” theology has gone on for way too long. Too much time has been wasted on building OURSELVES up, on trying to ascend to God’s level. There’s an unnecessary overabundance of books on how to live a better life that are NOT God-centered. I’m not preaching at you, I’m preaching at ME. In the past few weeks, I’ve realized just how doggone selfish I’ve been. I worshipped God only for the supernatural; I didn’t worship Him because I love him. Recently I’ve been praying that He stir up things in me that are not of Him, because I’m anxious to get rid of it all. Why? Because I remember when I DID worship God for who He is, not what He can do for me. I lost sight of the blessings that come because I was worshipping out of love, because I was reading the Word, because my desire was to really get to know my Father. Instead, I let myself be led by the words and opinions of the people around me. I let those words and opinions affect how I see myself, just like I did when I was in school.

Because of that, I became self-absorbed. I was engrossed in changing myself so that everyone around me, and I literally do mean EVERYONE, would view me as perfect. I tried to fix or conceal my flaws, I adjusted the way I speak, the way I dressed. Why did I do this? I was so sick of being criticized that I felt it was best to go with the flow. There wasn’t just criticism about my appearance, but about my spirituality too. I became so obsessed with all this that I would question EVERYTHING I heard from the Lord, even if it was something that was confirmed two or more times. There is such a similar obsession in the Body of Messiah today. WE have to be perfect, if WE are not wealthy, or perfect, or have big houses, lots of THINGS, then something must be wrong with us!

Remember when Yeshua sent out the disciples? (See Luke 9:1-6) They didn’t own a thing, they didn’t bring all their possessions with them when they went out to proclaim the gospel. We don’t NEED fancy cars, or big houses, or lots of STUFF. That won’t fix us, that won’t fill the void in our lives. We truly need God. We need to get back to the basics, to love and worship Him as He truly deserves, to stop asking for the fulfillment of stupid materialistic desires, and to intercede as the Holy Spirit leads us.

That’s what is wrong today. We are just too selfish, self-absorbed, gorging ourselves on feel-good theology. There’s a famine of the Word, the wellsprings of our spirits are drying up fast. Without the Living Water, without the Word, the bread of God, we will dry up and crumble into ash heaps.

I encourage you to seek the Lord in these days. If we don’t, who will have the strength to stand when things REALLY get bad? Wake up people, the time is drawing closer. More will happen before the return of Messiah. We need to take up the armor that God provides us (Ephesians 6:10-18). To me, being an intercessor is akin to being a warrior. I want to pray as the Holy Spirit leads me, not as the flesh wants. I don’t want things of the flesh. I don’t want the things of this world. I want to get intimate with God, to know Him, to once again freely express my love for him. I want to pray as HE leads me, so that I can pray in His will, not mine.

It’s time for selfishness to end. For those who seek after the things of the earth, yet wear the mantle of “Christian” or “Messianic”, there is nothing to be gained. For those who seek the King, who desire to be clean so they can kneel before His throne in supplication, there is the promise of life eternal spent with Him.

How many will weep over the nations? How many will stop pointing fingers at the world and just cry out to God for mercy? How many will throw SELF to the side, allow the Lord to step in, and follow HIM? How many will humble themselves, submitting utterly to the will of God, to approach His throne in intercessory supplication ON BEHALF OF THE NATIONS? Who among you will do this? Who among you will bless, not curse? Who among you will love, not hate?

Judgment does NOT begin in the world, it begins in the Body of Messiah (I Peter 4:17).

Choose either God or self, time is running out. Who will you serve?

Spiritual Warfare

In the past year or two, my husband and I have done research on movements within Christian and Messianic believers, known as Dominionism, the New Apostolic Reformation, and (targeting mostly those in the 16-30 year age range) Joel's Army. All three of these movements are unbiblical, deceptive, and are quickly infiltrating even the most God-oriented congregations.

Let me start with Ephesians 6:12 (Complete Jewish Bible) - "For we are not struggling against human beings, but against the rulers, authorities and cosmic powers governing this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm."

For the above three listed movements, it seems that this verse has little to no meaning at all. Their intent is to physically take over governments. This isn't limited to small towns, but to the American and eventually all world governments. Christians and Messianics are encouraged to vote for "godly" men and women to take office in all forms of government. For Dominionists, the Religious Right, and others of their ilk, this is only to attain their goal of truly having dominion over this world. They MUST establish, physically, God's kingdom on this earth and then, and only then, do they believe Jesus will return. This is so ridiculously unbiblical, it makes me laugh but cry because of the deception these people are under. Just read all of Revelation and Daniel if you want to see what must happen before Messiah returns.

Let's take a look at the definition of Dominionism, as found in Wikipedia: "Dominionism, in the context of politics and religion, is the tendency among some politically active conservative Christians to seek influence or control over secular civil government through political action, especially in the United States. It is also known as subjectionism.^[1] The goal is either a nation governed by Christians, or a nation governed by a conservative Christian understanding of biblical law."
Dominionists believe that America was founded by Christians and that the Constitution was written according to Biblical standards. They also believe that America is in dire need of a return to these roots, which is why they push to have Christians elected to every government office possible.

I take exception to this. In research, which includes on and offline reading as well as watching a terrific documentary, "The Hidden Faith of the Founding Fathers", my conclusion is that no, America was NOT founded by Christians, nor was the Constitution Biblically based. For one, George Washington never once professed, verbally or in writing, faith in Jesus. He was a Freemason, as was Thomas Jefferson. If you go to Washington, D.C., will you see Christian monuments there? Absolutely not. You'll see the giant obelisk, the reflecting pool (both go back to Egyptian and Babylonian mystery religions), and the artwork in the Capitol Building, named "The Apotheosis of Washington (see Wikipedia link, click on image to right for larger image: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Apotheosis_of_Washington). In the Treaty of Tripoli, it is stated that "As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion,—as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Mussulmen,—and as the said States never entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries."

So you see, Obama is NOT the first to say that this isn't a Christian nation! It's right there, in the Treaty of Tripoli, which was drawn up in 1796, then signed and made into law in 1797 under President John Adams.

The New Apostolic Reformation is just as dangerous as Dominionism and Joel's Army. NAR was founded by C. Peter Wagner, another Christian with an uncontrolled imagination. He was all for restoring the titles of "Prophet" and "Apostle", titles which I believe are given to those who are nothing more than soothsayers and fortune-tellers wearing a mantle of Christianity. I don't ever recall, amongst the first 12 disciples and those who came after them, there ever being an emphasis on "prophet" or "apostle". Besides this whole "prophet/apostle" thing, Wagner even goes so far to believe, and TEACH, that all believers must continually "defeat" Satan by their activities, because the blood of Jesus just wasn't enough.

HOW heretical and blasphemous can you get? Not only this, but Wagner has touted that a "new thing" is being done, that "new wine" is being poured out and we need "new wineskins" to hold this wine, seeing as how the old wineskins will burst and all that wonderful new wine will be wasted. There is NOTHING new under the sun! And like me, if you don't believe all this, then you've got a "religious spirit"! The term "religious spirit" is thrown at folks who see through all these lies, to crush them, to make them think they are wrong, and to even demonize them. The lack of discernment that I've seen in many congregations in relation to this is reason enough to weep.

Joel's Army...an organization of militant Christians who take Joel 2 way out of context, believing they are God's avenging army and absolutely must advance the kingdom of God. Comprised mostly of teenagers and young adults, the numbers of Joel's Army are growing quickly day by day. Todd Bentley, of the much-touted and very much deceptive "Lakeland Revival" (deceptive because not as many were healed/raised from the dead as claimed, all of it was made up), is a "general" in Joel's Army. This is what this adulterous leader has to say about JA: "The trumpet is sounding, calling on-fire, revolutionary believers to enlist in Joel's Army. … Many are now ready to be mobilized to establish and advance God's kingdom on earth." There is a tattoo of dog tags on Bentley, with "Joel's Army" inscribed inside the tags.

I encourage you to research all this yourself, and to not just take my word for it.

These three groups approach spiritual warfare in a way entirely unbiblical. One example are conferences that are held in cities by those who erroneously believe that if they all gather in unity, pray, and call out (by NAME!) one or more principalities over the city, then that city will be gained for Christ. In the 1980's, this happened in Los Angeles. Can you see a difference in the LA of today, after such a conference, compared to the LA prior to the conference? Nope, I can't either.

Scripture reference: Luke 11:24-26. The house was "empty" and swept clean. What does "swept clean" mean? The house was moralized, but devoid of one important occupant: Jesus. If you clean out and moralize a city, a home, a person, but Jesus isn't there, then it leaves space for that principality to grab seven of its more evil buddies and re-establish residence.

Yeshua, Jesus, has not called us to redeem governments or societies. Rather, He mandated that His followers are to make disciples of the goyim, or "ethnos". Dominionists, NAR folks, and Joel's Army all take this to mean the WORLD. No, this does not mean the world, but all PEOPLE. The words of Christ were not meant to be taken in a context to satisfy man's egotistical goals of world dominion, of taking over all nations and all people. I ask you, how will taking control of a town, a city, a nation, EVER win souls?

Moreover, to research a specific city, to take the time to seek out the "name" of the principality or principalities over that city, in order to establish dominion over it, is not what we are told to do. In my readings of the New Testament, I haven't found ONE Scripture where we are ordered to do this.

I was once part of Dominionism. I once thought that the Lakeland revival was real. Thanks to God and the discernment He gave my husband, and the research that my husband did, I was shown that all this is just a farce and a lie from the Adversary. In having the truth exposed to us, we began to see much of this theology in our old congregation. When we began to disagree with it, we were told that we had a "religious spirit". The time came when we no longer wanted to be part of this false theology. As armorbearers, we felt more pressure than needed to "support our leaders". At an event, an event which was the straw that broke the camel's back, we saw things that made us physically sick. Leaders proclaimed that the Holy Spirit was there, what we felt was different. At this event was a "worship leader" whose music is beyond questionable. I ask you, how can you take an old 80's song by Dead or Alive, insert "Jesus" in it, and expect it to be HOLY, while asking the congregation you are "ministering" to to take off their socks and swing those socks around as the song is played? I had found this video about a week before this event with this "worship leader" coming, and began to question his music. I could no longer respect this person. My husband was accused of going to people in the congregation and spreading rumors about this man, and I was grabbed by the wrist, pulled out, and asked why he was doing this. It turned out that he wasn't saying a darn thing about this guy, but the congregational leader's wife sure thought he did, because this "worship leader" was her pet. Consequently, my husband and I prayed and felt the Lord strongly pulling us to leave our armorbearer positions. We had a meeting with the leader and his wife, and during the 45 minutes of that meeting, they threw accusations at my husband, ignored his apology, and then prohibited us from telling the REAL reason we stepped down. We would not have done that. The Lord had told us that, according to how the meeting went, that would decide our staying or leaving. Needless to say, we left, as I put in a previous post (I think it's still there).

This is not to demonize the congregation, their leader and his wife, not by a long shot. This is to show you what can happen if you dare to speak the truth against the lies that the three aforementioned groups have embraced. However, if you choose the Lord's truth over the Adversary's lies, though there will be a storm, the calm and peace after it are more than worth it. We have felt a freedom we hadn't felt in a very long time. What we are doing now is going back to the basics, seeking the Lord for HIMSELF, not for signs, miracles and wonders. We are no longer among those who worship Him for their own gain, for the sake of "seeing the supernatural". We are not called to seek the supernatural! We should love the Lord for who He is, we should desire to seek an intimate relationship with him.

Only when we change our minds, can God change our hearts.

A Video For Intermission

I'm a full supporter of Israel and the Jewish people. Thanks to my friend Ben for throwing this vid my way! I wanted to have something on here as I write my next post, which I can guarantee will be long. I'll break it up into a series with a new post either every day or every week. I know not that many follow this blog, but to those who do, I totally appreciate your support!

Loving Your Enemies: Can it be done?

Matthew 5:43-47: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the wicked and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what rewards have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? “

What is it to really love someone who despises you? Remember that bully in grade school who, every day, would throw a taunt or a fist at you? Didn’t you just want to beat that bully to a pulp so he’d learn his lesson? Yep, I felt the same way too.

Many posts ago, I wrote about some folks who really hurt me and my husband, as well as some others we know. It took a few months to come to forgive the ones who hurt, and believe me, it did not come easily. I really wanted to nurture the hurt and let resentment grow, but all it did in the end was make me miserable. Nobody likes to be in continuous pain, and even if we got used to it, it would still wear us down. I had to consciously choose whether or not to forgive the ones who caused me pain. Choosing to forgive is very liberating, because that’s when all that anger, all that resentment from the past dissolves. The best part is that when we stop covering that wound and acknowledge that yes, draining it and cleansing it will hurt, the Lord just steps right in and does his best doctoring.

I’m speaking from real experience here. Now I know that my past isn’t as bad as what some folks have been through, but nevertheless it was hard. I had so much resentment built up towards my family that hurt me, that I couldn’t be civil to them at all. I figured hey, they said nasty things to me, they’ve called me fat when I’m not, why should I bother being nice? All they’ll do is say the same things to me, I’ll get angry, there will be much cussing on both sides, and I’ll just end up driving off to be alone. I couldn’t even talk about these people without getting steamed up. It was just so unfair in my eyes that I felt justified in letting my temper explode at them. Never once did I think that I was hurting them just as badly as they were hurting me.

I didn’t even realize that the resentment I held also dictated the way I was acting. When my husband and I attended our first Ancient Paths seminar, we were shocked at how much we related to the teachings. The thing I loved most about AP was that the facilitators in the groups wouldn’t sit there and reassure us, but encouraged us to take our hurts to the Lord, ask Him “where does this come from?” and just WAIT on him. He never failed to show where the hurt came from, and then it was up to us to decide: will I give this up to be healed, or will I hold on? It was so easy to give it all up, to surrender those burdens to Yeshua. The memories were painful, but afterward we only had to ask “Abba, is this how you see me? Am I really a failure? Who do YOU say I am?” Again there was a wait, and again there was an answer. It was not a human speaking to us, but our precious Father speaking HIS knowledge of who we truly are right into our hearts and spirits. The healing that we received was so incredible, it’s beyond words.

Not long after this seminar, my grandfather was due for surgery to remove polyps on his bladder. I felt that I needed to go be with him, so my husband and I prayed and agreed that I should go. I knew my uncle, one of the family who hurt me, would be there and I knew what my part would be: to ask his forgiveness. You see, part of the healing process is not just to ask the Lord for forgiveness, but to be able to forgive ourselves and the ones who hurt us. I’d forgiven my uncle, and knew this was my opportunity to talk to him and ask him to forgive me. He asked me to lunch at a local place, we went and almost as soon as we sat down, I said “Look, I know we haven’t gotten along for many years. I used to think you were unfair and mean to me, not once thinking that what I said to you hurt you. I apologize for all the hurtful things I’ve said and done. Can you forgive me?” He replied in our family fashion, “Aw, don’t worry about it” which meant “yes I forgive you” and since then, we’ve become very close.

I can’t say how relieved I was with THAT, but when I asked my father’s forgiveness three years ago, our relationship (estranged is too weak a word for how we were) has just grown. At the AP seminar, those two men were the ones that I really had to forgive. I had to see that, even though there were unjust actions towards me, that I had to let my Father heal the wounds, that I had to let go of all that bitterness that was destroying my spirit. It was so very hard to open up in front of complete strangers, but the small group were so supportive of each other, that it became easy to open up. After the 3-day seminar ended, I felt lighter and emotionally free.

I know that, even if I wasn’t forgiven for my actions, that if I was met with hostility, I could just run right back to the Lord knowing that He doesn’t see me the way that person does, and this is where my story ties into my point: do we REALLY love our enemies? Do we have any love for those who try to make our lives miserable? Is there compassion for them? Ask yourselves these questions, and be honest in your answers.

I grew up thinking that anyone outside the Church was destined for hell, were utterly horrible sinners, and the only attention they deserved was me preaching to them about how they were going to go to hell if they didn’t accept Jesus. There was this thought in the church about how people on the “outside” weren’t worth our time, all we would ever do to them was to constantly criticize them, to tell them how unworthy they were but, should they choose to accept Jesus, He just might be able to do something with them.

It was awful, the way these Christians acted. And when I became sick of the hypocrisy, sick of everything, I learned firsthand just how I had treated people. I was told, countless times, how I would go to hell because I’d gotten tattoos and piercings. I was told I would go to hell for divorcing my first husband (the divorce was for VERY good reason). I was looked at, with all my facial piercings and black clothes, as if I was a two-headed goat. All this was during and after my involvement in witchcraft. When I began looking for God’s love to be shown in his people, what I discovered saddened me. People would sometimes smile at me in a church I visited, but that smile never gleamed in their eyes. Hugs were just a weak “put-my-arms-around-you-briefly” excuse for a hug, and nobody ever came up to introduce themselves and make me feel welcome.

All this made me give up trying to find that love expressed in God’s people. I was so thoroughly sick of it all that I went right back to where I had been, minus the witchcraft. I was just sick of the Christian religion, sick of people who said one thing and did another, sick of the clique feeling in many churches. I didn’t want high school drama in the guise of a church congregation, I wanted a place where there was a genuine LOVE, a true love for God and for those who walked through the sanctuary doors.

A few years and new husband later, I found myself going to my first Messianic Shabbat service. I was nervous and flat-out told my husband and our friend that the first person to look at me funny would get the finger, and my butt would be out the door never to come back. To my amazement, not one person looked at me funny. Not one person stared at me, unlike what I was used to. Then, about our third or fourth visit, my now best friend’s mother walked up to me and gave me the first real hug I’d had in a while, then looked me straight in the face and said “It is so good to see you here”. She’ll never know what a huge difference that made to me, that she displayed exactly what I craved and was looking for, so that I would know that those who call themselves believers, whether Christian or Messianic, aren’t all cold to “outsiders”.

The longer we were at this congregation, the more people walked up to me, in all my Gothic glory, and never hesitated to tell me they liked my piercings, or my red or hot pink eyeshadow, or how much they liked my dress with the bell sleeves. I’ve never been much for dressing up, I’ll only do it when the fancy strikes me, and being able to dress casually for services thrilled me.

Yes, this is the same place I left months ago. I’ll only say that there are places that stay the same, and places that change, sometimes not for the better, and that congregation falls into the latter category.

I’m using all this to make a point: Yeshua clearly says in the verses a few paragraphs up, that we are to LOVE those who hate us, who despise us, who want us dead, who trash our belongings, who speak curses to us, who spit on us, who can’t stand the sight of us.

I see where I was last year, and where I am now. I’ve been longing to show God’s love, that love that I know so well, to everyone around me. I’ve desired to love those who call me an enemy, to show grace and mercy to them even as they show hatred and hardness to me. I don’t want to wish ill upon them, but I desire that they be freed from their hurts. I just want to stop the madness that I’ve seen in many a congregation, to wail at these people “WHY do you hate your enemies?”

I keep getting emails from someone I know that contain severe language and severe photos aimed at Muslims. I’m praying about how to respond in love to stop sending these emails to me, and even if I should say “look, you’re supposed to love these people!” No, I don’t agree with Islam at all, but why on earth should I hate these people? I might hate their actions, but not them, not them as human beings. I hate that a person would take another person’s life, but why should I hate the murderer? Shouldn’t I pray for that person’s deliverance from that way of life?

All these are questions I’ve been asking myself for months. It’s not easy to love those who hate you, is it? The flesh wants so much to give in to hatred that it will kick the spirit to the side just to indulge in a few choice words at the hated person. However, we, who call ourselves children of God, should be so intimately acquainted with His love that we have no problem in letting it overflow from us and pour into those around us. The saying “actions speak louder than words” is true in this term. Just think of how shocked that bully would be, whether or not he shows it, that you smile at him and say “Despite what you do to me, I still care about you as a person”. What kind of difference would that make? Do you think kind words would help heal old wounds? I think so, even if that person wouldn’t admit it. Pride makes us reluctant to admit that calming words have a positive effect on a ravening spirit, because we feel that hanging on to that old bitterness makes us stronger. It doesn’t. It makes us weak, ineffective, and can even cause physical ailments. Wouldn’t it be better to speak loving words that have a healing effect, instead of hateful words that dig deeper into that wound, potentially causing a kind of death?

I leave you with this: Pray and meditate on these verses in Matthew. Ask yourself, ask God, if you’ve been loving to your enemies. We’re all imperfect, but we are loved by a perfect Father who, may I remind us all, has loved us even in times we’ve acted the worst. Shouldn’t we reflect He who is in us, and do the same?

Eating my words...

I fibbed. We went to the worship service yesterday and, as I thought, I wouldn't be allowed to hide. My friends were not the ones to get me out of my shell, rather, it was Abba. I can't believe I got up and participated in the praise and worship dance. The dances were familiar to me, and I really enjoyed it. It was so wonderful to be able to sit and enjoy it all, without having to be "on post", unable to participate in worship and instead having to be on the lookout for the slightest "disturbance". Yes, I'm eating my words from Friday's post, but they actually taste good.

The teaching was on the week's parashah, and every sentence was confirmation for me and my husband. We took the steps towards the vast sea, as the Israelites did thousands of years ago as Pharaoh and his army pursued them. That first step is critical, it cannot be taken without faith to accompany it. We didn't know what to expect, and it's good that neither myself nor my husband had expectations of how the service would go. This is not to say that we will become members, wherever we go, our steps will need to be directed by the Lord. I don't want to jump into anything too early, but I can say that we will be going back. We felt a freedom that we hadn't felt in a couple of years, and that is crucial. Order is needed in a service, yes, as we serve a God of order, but there is a line between order and control.

My muscles are hollering at me for dancing, as almost every dance I participated in was high-impact, but I didn't feel a bit tired, my bum foot didn't ache as it used to, and I thoroughly enjoyed it all. Thank you, Abba, for the kick in the pants that I needed to take that step towards the sea.

I wanted to share this video with you. The song is powerful and the video has Scripture that I want you to meditate upon. As you watch, be so very blessed and don't forget to listen to the voice that speaks only truth.

Leaning on the World vs. leaning on the Word

I faced a fork in the road after leaving my last congregation. On the left was the World, on the right was the Word of God. As I walked toward the fork, I knew the best choice was the Word, as feeding myself daily on this bread of life would sustain me through the pain of leaving a place and people that I cared about. However, bitterness crept in through the cracks in me, taking advantage of the pain I felt. I wrestled with it, but as time went on, I slowly allowed the bitterness in. I knew very well what was going on, but I refused to admit it. For me to admit this weakness to the friends around me, to those who didn’t allow bitterness to fester within them, would be showing that I am, after all, a weak-willed person, someone more than willing to let the world be her strength and shield. I finally decided I needed to forgive those who hurt me badly and get on with life.

Right after I made this decision, WHAM! I was blindsided by something I didn’t think would happen and certainly never saw coming. A very dear friend from my old congregation was acting funny when I saw her at an event. Of course she didn’t recognize me as I now had glasses and a new haircut. I pulled her aside and hugged her, but she acted strangely. She said hello, good to see you, hair and glasses look nice…then left to join the crowd containing folks from our old congregation. I knew right then something was up. To make a long story short, my friend wrote to me the next day that she decided to cut ties for my own good and HERS as well. I know this sounds terrible, but I speak from experience: those leaders will monitor congregants and ask if they still talk to those who left, will ask what was said, etc. Said congregants will, out of loyalty, tell all that was said and done. I know, because I myself have been grilled more than once.

This friend severing contact really cut me deeply. In her I had found a sister, someone I could be an absolute goof with and who shared a penchant for all things sparkly. It’s been a little over a month and the sting is still there, although the initial pain has faded.

I saw someone who knew exactly what had happened, how my husband and I and others had been treated, choose to sever ties with us. Afterwards, I began to fight depression more and more, but was losing.

I admit these things to show that I’m human. I make mistakes, sadly, but the good news is that I am forgiven if I ask it. I have to mean it when I ask forgiveness; otherwise it’s just paying lip service, nothing more.

After about a month of depression, I was invited to attend worship services at another congregation. Admittedly, the thought of going to another place disgusted me. I’ve been burned more than once, thought I don’t blame those people any more. Did they know what they were doing? I doubt it, and I forgive them. I raged, not wanting to risk going to another place where I could possibly be hurt again. I wanted to hide and do nothing. I told my husband to go if he wanted, but COUNT ME OUT! I had been feeling so much hurt still, and I just didn’t want another dagger thrust in me. I know, though, that I need to go. I’m not receiving the healing I need at home, and I haven’t gone to any home groups for a while. I tend to withdraw when I’ve been emotionally injured, because I feel safer inside a shell. If I stay in there, those daggers can’t penetrate the shell that protects me.

That’s where I’m wrong: I rely on my own self to protect me. I dove right back into the person I used to be, the person that would withdraw herself from friends and family in order to prevent further emotional injury. I used to feel like nobody understood me at all, that I was the biggest loser in the world. I felt so ugly and unattractive, because just about every guy I met just didn’t click with me. I couldn’t be the girl they desired, because I loathe having to pretend to be cutesy and girly. Only when I took the steps and developed a relationship with my Creator did I begin to see myself through His eyes. Unhappily, there were three years that I allowed someone else to chip away at my confidence and sense of who I am in Messiah, until I went right back to that old depressed self.

I have friends I know I can trust. Above anyone else, except my husband, I know I can tell them anything and they won’t degrade me or yell at me. These three and I are more alike than the friend who left me. I sent one an email because I needed to unburden myself, and her reply was nothing but confirmation of what I knew deep down. I had begun to see that I need to go to a place where there is worship, because I’m not doing much of that at home. I had been on the worship dance team, and leaving made me ache for that team. I missed it so much, but it became distasteful for me because dancing held attachment to the place I left. Now it’s difficult for me to think of participating, although I don't feel as bad as I had a month ago. I won’t participate in worship dance this weekend, and I’ll probably designate a spot for myself in the back of the sanctuary and high-tail it out of there. Doubtful, if my friends have anything to say about it. Knowing them, they won’t let me hide and they sure won’t let me leave without introducing me to someone.

My friend’s reply did, as always, help me. I know that I can’t let the giants of despair and depression crush me, that instead I am the one to let that stone fly, knock out the giants, and then cut off their heads. I can’t do it alone though, and that’s my biggest problem. Instead of relying on the Word, I’ve relied on the World. I’ve let myself slip a little back into the old way of doing things.

I’m stubborn, which means it can take something drastic happening for me to finally see the truth. That happened, and it’s time to move on from it. I relinquish the pain and sad memories. I forgive those who hurt me, because the wounded will wound others, and they don’t realize what they are doing. I release this all and lay it at the feet of the Messiah, to take in its place His burden, for it is light. I choose to lean not on the World, but on the Living Word of God, Jesus, Yeshua the Messiah.

Psalm 91, for those out there who are hurting:

You who live in the shelter of ‘Elyon, who spend your nights in the shadow of Shaddai,

Who say to ADONAI, “My refuge! My fortress! My God, in whom I trust!” – he will rescue you from the trap of the hunter and from the plague of calamities;

He will cover you with his pinions and under his wings you will find refuge; his truth is a shield and protection.

You will NOT fear the terrors of night or the arrow that flies by day, or the plague that roams in the dark, or the scourge that wreaks havoc at noon.

A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand; but it won’t come near you.

Only keep your eyes open, and you will see how the wicked are punished.

For you have made ADONAI, the Most High, who is my refuge, your dwelling-place.

No disaster will happen to you, no calamity will come near your tent; for he will order his angels to care for you and guard you wherever you go.

They will carry you in their hands, so that you won’t trip on a stone.

You will tread down lions and snakes, young lions and serpents you will trample underfoot.

“Because he loves me, I will rescue him; because he knows my name, I will protect him. He will call on me, and I will answer him. I will be with him when he is in trouble. I will extricate him and bring him honor. I will satisfy him with long life and show him my salvation.”