So…who ARE you?

Ever heard of someone going through an identity crisis? This is when someone becomes confused as to who he or she is. This happens in the body of Messiah as well, it’s not something that is limited to the “outside world”.

First, we need to understand what identity is. Identity is the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another. It’s very important to understand identity, because we need to understand who we are. It’s more than just gender, it’s our personality, it’s the way we act and react to circumstances.

Identity can be a tricky thing. There is our actual identity, there is a perceived identity (who we perceive ourselves to be as opposed to who we really are), mistaken identity (no, I’m not Mary), and so on. The hardest thing with identity, however, is discovering what it really and truly is.

Ever have someone tell you who you are? It happens every day! We become accustomed to family, friends, co-workers, and strangers telling us who we are. It can be something good, like “You’re really smart!” or something bad, like “You’re a klutzy moron!” If a consistent set of phrases is spoken through a person’s life, that person will begin to believe it. For instance, abused children grow up thinking they really are stupid, that they’ll never amount to anything in their lives, and that they’re better off dead. The phrases spoken, which are in reality curses, begin to form that child’s identity. He is told he’s stupid, therefore he IS stupid, even though he has straight-A’s in school. She’s told she’s ugly, therefore she IS ugly, even though those around her admire her looks. See what I mean?

My last post was about a dress code in churches, and so it will kind of tie into this post. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to bash anyone nor do I think we should all rebel and wear our jammies to church. I only meant to show that there are some places that place more importance on physical appearance, than on spiritual health, which results in “church cliques”. Can’t have that!

As a little girl, I felt that what I saw as my identity, and what my mother saw as my identity, clashed. I was just me, an action-movie loving tomboy who really did love to play with her dolls. I had no issues with dressing up, nor did I have issues with running around playing baseball, dirtying up my clothes. To Mom, I was a bit of a conundrum. You see, she felt that all females should dress up very nicely, in the latest fashions, for church and on the other days of the week, dress appropriate to their jobs. If a lady was a stay-at-home mother, she would still dress nicely and have her hair and makeup done. Little girls should wear nice girly clothes and never want to take karate. (When I asked for those lessons, all I got was “Ladies don’t do that”)

I was so much pressured by this that I became a little confused, and remained so up until very recently, I’m sad to say. On all four sides I would hear about how I’m supposed to dress, how I should act, how my hair should be done, how I should or should not wear makeup, what movies were best for me to watch (certainly NOT Conan the Barbarian, a favorite of mine), and so on. Not only did I hear this, but I also heard from parent, teacher, and peers how I was so stupid, I’d never amount to anything, I couldn’t do anything right, I’m ugly, I smell bad, and on and on it went. There wasn’t just the verbal bullying, I was beaten up almost weekly, or threatened with a beating, or just plain cussed at…and this was just elementary and middle school.

Disclaimer: I am not trying to appear to be a victim here, nor am I going on a pity party. This stuff happened years ago and has been forgiven. It is only used as an example and to help explain my point, which I’ll eventually get to, if you’re lucky.

I allowed my identity to be based on the words spoken to me by my family, my few friends, my teachers, and my peers. I had been taught to believe all I was told, to never argue because that was disrespectful, and so I held to that because I was too afraid to disobey. Because of that, I believed all the bad things and never the good things. After all, if most of what I heard was bad, then it must all be true. I thought I was the world’s biggest moron at the age of 10.

The same could be said if mostly good things had been spoken to me. I’d have thought the world revolved around only me.

You see, we allow our identities to be spoken into us by human beings, and yes, it DOES happen in the body of Messiah. We allow ourselves to be shaped by words, to be blessed or cursed, to believe those words or not. We take the tools and shape ourselves, or surrender to the hands of another to begin shaping us. I learned, slowly but surely, not to do this anymore. I had to face a lot of opposition. You see, there are some folks who just don’t want you to be who you were created to be, who themselves were brought up to believe that those in G-d’s Kingdom have to act a certain set way. All identities must be the same no matter what. That’s so wrong; it takes away our uniqueness, our individuality, and turns us into spiritual “yes” men (and women). There’s nothing wrong with acting in accordance to G-d’s Word, but take care not to change yourself just to please humans! We must change only when Abba leads us to, not because men tell us to. Our relationship with Yeshua does cause us to change, but for the better. Beware of that religious spirit though; it will try to make you conform to its own standards, not to the L-rd’s standards.

It’s not easy to defy the world and its opinion of you. In these days, more people are going to tell you that you’re crazy, you’re wrong; you’re a bigot and a liar. Never listen to them, instead, quiet yourself and listen for the still, small voice of your Father. He is the one who will be frank with you. If you need to be corrected, he will do it. If you need comfort, he will give it. If you need to know who you are, he will tell you and show you. Don’t give up, because what the world has to offer pales greatly in comparison with what G-d will give you. It may not be earthly riches or power, but it’s worth far more. You will know who you are and will be at peace with that.

Accept the truth from the mouth of the Father, our Creator. It’s not easy to believe the good or the bad sometimes, trust me. However, when you give all your pain to Him and allow him to heal your wounds, it’s worth it. You’ll be much lighter, much freer, and definitely happier.

G-d opened my eyes to realize that I must allow HIM, not anyone else, to speak my identity to me. I must look to him alone for affirmation. I don’t need the praise of human beings to be happy as I am, all I need to know is that my Abba, my Father, my Creator loves me just as I am, and that in his son Yeshua, I am who I was created to be. He loves me despite my defiance of all feminine rules, he takes delight in me and I KNOW he likes my goofy sense of humor. After all, his joy is my strength! I’m finally at peace with who I am; a woman who loves a good action movie, can’t stand romance movies or any movie that makes me cry, has an addiction to makeup, who can dress up or dress down and be equally comfortable in both…and who indulges in cartoon marathons.

Is a dress code really needed?

James chapter 2:1-4 states "My brothers, practice the faith of our Lord Yeshua, the glorious Messiah, without showing favoritism. Suppose a man comes into your synagogue wearing gold rings and fancy clothes, and also a poor man comes in dressed in rags. If you show more respect to the man wearing the fancy clothes and say to him, 'Have this good seat here,' while to the poor man you say, 'You, stand over there,' or, 'Sit down on the floor by my feet,' then aren't you creating distinctions among yourselves, and haven't you made yourselves into judges with evil motives?"

One of the biggest fears I had was to go into a church where all the people would stare at me, shocked by this girl dressed all in black, with bright pink hair and facial piercings, and then immediately act either overly-nice to her, or ignore her altogether. I never understood, and still don't really understand, the necessity of a dress code in church. Don't get me wrong, I don't think a halter top and miniskirt are exactly the best things to wear, but what's wrong with wearing jeans and a t-shirt?

I know that, in the "old days", much was put upon appearance. Ladies dressed to the nines, going so far as to squish all their organs together (thank you, inventor of corsets!) to achieve an itty-bitty waist. There were false curls, false bangs, bustles to make your... derrière...enhanced, about 30 pounds of petticoats, not to mention the pantalets and, finally, the undergarments. No wonder it took women so long to get dressed! Poor gals must have roasted alive during summer. Then, as women's fashion changed, out went the corsets and bustles and petticoats for dresses with puffed sleeves as big as balloons. From that came skirts and waistshirts, then in the good ol' 1920's came those awesome be-tasseled flapper dresses. Sadly, hemlines went way up (well, compared with today, they were tame!), long hair went short, and dramatic eyes and lips came along.

This isn't meant to be a history of fashion, I really do have a point. Through all this, it was still a rule to be well-dressed for church. Anyone who may have had clothes that looked the least bit ragged were outcasts and, while spoken to politely, were considered along with "white trash". This isn't okay, not for me at least.

As a little girl, I HAD to dress up. Not that I minded a lot then, I WAS a little girl. I did love the short holiday dresses with the poofy skirts, the Easter gloves, purse, and new hat. As I got older, I began to loathe being dressed up "like a doll" and wished fervently that I was allowed to wear comfortable clothes. As I got older, there was more pressure placed on outward appearance. I could be in a bout of depression but would have to grin and pretend that everything was terrific. Not once could I speak what was truly on my mind or heart, I absolutely HAD to wear fancy-shmancy clothes to services, jewelry was gold with cubic zirconia stones, hair was in the fashion of the times. Growing up in the 80's this meant curly hair teased within an inch of its roots and sprayed with ten cans of hair spray. Makeup was also a big thing, a lady just had to look her best no matter what.

I've always had difficulty with this. I wasn't exactly a cute child, nor was I pretty. I was a tomboy at heart and it showed. At 5 my long hair was cut off and I kept it short from then on, only going to a chin-length bob at the longest. This was my choice, it was just easier to deal with. No matter what I wore, no matter how nice my hair looked, I was still ousted. Sunday school was a lot like regular school; I was teased, ousted, made fun of, and left out of almost every activity. When Mom gave me the choice of going to church services with her on Sundays and Wednesday evenings, or going to the children's church and Bluebell (the little girl's group on Wednesdays), I chose to stay with church. I felt more comfortable there and really did feel like I belonged.

Throughout the years growing up in churches, I always felt like I was pressured to fit in with everyone else. I really did feel like a square peg that didn't fit into that round hole, so my corners were being cut and sanded down so I'd fit, and it really hurt. I couldn't do many of the things I enjoyed because they weren't "ladylike", meaning they were supposedly an ill fit to my gender.

This is my point...that the whole feeling of having to dress up for church is more to please PEOPLE than it is to please G-D. It's all for appearance's sake, and I've never liked that. I tried, up until I was 17, to fit in at school and church. I finally became so sick of it that I decided I would wear what I liked, fashion be danged. In that senior year of high school, I found that kids who never spoke to me finally warmed up to me, and I had many acquaintances that year. Thankfully, the folks in my grandparents' church were completely okay with me walking in wearing jeans and a t-shirt or even in my scrubs, when I'd rush from my job as kennel attendant at the local veterinarian's office. Even when I smelled like skunk, after bathing a rather unlucky Boxer who found out that was NOT a kitty, I was welcomed...although it was from a slight distance.

That's what I liked. It didn't matter to these folks if you came wearing rags, as long as you were there for G-d and nobody else.

Living in a large city as I do, there are more churches than I can count on all fingers and toes three times over. Every one is different, and I'm sure that in every one the leadership dresses differently. I went from starting out in jeans or my "goth gear" to wearing skirts, dresses, fixing my hair to look nice, and wearing makeup. Two years ago we had to begin dressing up every week, no matter if we were leadership or on the prayer team or even mere security folks. We HAD to be dressed to the nines, otherwise we'd be looked down on and not taken seriously. We even had to adjust the way we greeted people, but I really agreed with that. We began taking the time to talk to new people to make them feel welcome, which to me is very important in every church and Messianic congregation. ONE lady made me feel very welcome on my third visit, and I've never been hugged like that before in ANY church. She was genuine and meant it, despite my "intimidating" appearance.

You can differ with me on this, and that's okay. I only take issue because of the way I used to look. Hardly anyone would come up to me and appear totally at ease. Because I looked like something that walked out of a heavy metal band, of course people would be intimidated by me. They didn't really know how to deal with me, and that's a problem in many a congregation. If you only surround yourself with G-dly people, you're shutting out the world. It's not meant for us to be PART OF the world, we are in the world and there's nothing we can do about that. If we end up partaking of the food the world offers, we're in trouble. What I mean to say is that you must understand where people are coming from, in order to really be able to make a difference. Don't judge and curse the outside world, because that will only serve to make them feel more justified in their hatred of the Body of Messiah. You don't have to accept everything they do, but don't condemn them. Remember, they aren't in the Kingdom and don't know all G-d's ways. They may come in because there's nowhere else to go, because they're hurting and desperate, and one unkind word, look, or gesture can cause them to turn away and walk out on G-d forever.

When I started going to my former congregation, I was looking for the love of G-d to be displayed through His people. I was testing them to make sure they were genuine. I told my friend, who invited my husband and I, that if even one person looked at me funny I would leave and never lay eyes on that building again. Thankfully, everyone was genuine and friendly, and that one precious lady hugged me and said "It is SO good to see you here!". This is what makes a difference in the lives of the world, to see G-d's love for them expressed through His servants. When they expect to be judged and condemned, and instead are embraced, loved, and taught, then we have done what we are supposed to do. Don't ever force someone to change, let G-d lead and teach them, and you will see that change. It may not be in the clothes they wear, but in their bearing, their language, in their words. G-d is the one who is to change us, not humans.

My opinion is that if you want to dress up for church, you do that. If you want to wear jeans and a t-shirt, do that. In the days to come, there won't be dress codes, but there will be that code of conduct that we are held by, the commands G-d has given us, that will matter more than physical appearance.